Archive for the Movie Reviews. Category

Movie Review: Fireproof.

Posted in Movie Reviews. with tags , , , , , , on February 8, 2009 by thrownhammer

Oh boy… I was drug into this one kicking and screaming. I REALLY didn’t want to see this movie. Not my style. Although I was pretty sure at one point there was gonna be an axe murder. Basically it was about a couple on the end of thier rope. He was a firefighter so alot of “never leave your partner” stuff kept coming up, yet at home he was ready to do just that.

I have to admit, it was really pretty good, not Black Hawk Down good, but good none the less. It was a Christian movie and the point being “You can’t do it alone”. This is pretty true at least from my point of view. This guy tried everything to get his wife to stay but nothing worked, he couldn’t understand why if he showed her how much he loved her she kept rejecting him and pretty much spiting in his face. Until his Father showed him the parralels between his marriage and Jesus. Good stuff.

The one scene where he is on the internet looking at a boat and a pop up shows up asking him if he wants to see more is pretty strong. Most people have pop up blockers these days, but that junk permeates everything anymore.

I visit alot of websites about video games and cars/Jeeps mainly. I have had to resort to shutting off all pictures on the websites because of all the junk that shows up even on sites that should be about cars and killing aliens and stuff.

Try to watch TV some night without seeing some hot girl in a bikini making out with some hot guy so she can marry him, or a show about married women that think the only way to happiness is to lie, cheat and be in their undies. I have pretty much stopped watching TV.

There was a time in my life I would go looking for that junk, then I would not go looking for it but tolerate it, now it just irritates me. It’s funny how that works when you follow Christ. I used to cuss like a sailor, then I toned it down, now it’s like nails on a chalkboard.

There was also alot of comedy in the movie. The guy in the mirror having alone time is hilarious. Or the hot sauce contest is pretty good to. Whenever the husband goes out to take out his frustrations the old neighbor is always there to witness just how silly it is to beat your trash can senseless.

I told everyone I would give an honest review, and I have. It was actually not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I honestly cried more in Black Hawk Down…

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Movie Review: The X-files I want to believe.

Posted in Movie Reviews. with tags , , , , , on December 18, 2008 by thrownhammer

I want to believe, as in I want to believe there is at least one person in the world that liked this movie. Here we go…

About 100 FBI agents are walking across a snow field poking the ground. A stringy haired dude is running out front and digs up an arm. Some lady is getting chased at the same time except at night. Scully gets Mulder and they fly in a helicopter. They met Father Joe. He is a psychic. He is also the stringy haired guy that runs in front of the FBI ground pokers. Later some guy in a pool runs a girl off the road and makes her crash into a hay bale. Father Joe finds a big chunk of ice full of body parts. this ice is about 10 feet thick once they dig it out. Apparently in Virginia ice gets really thick. Father Joe’s eyes bleed at some point in time. I can’t remember exactly when because like everything else that happens in this movie I DON’T CARE. Mulder follows the guy from the pool and gets run off the road. He walks to a junkyard and kills a two headed dog with a hammer. He gets drugged and taken to the wood shed. The guy that runs people off the road also chops up bodies. Scully and that boss guy from the TV show are driving around aimlessly and find a random mailbox in the middle of nowhere that matches an obscure Bible verse Father Joe mumbled at some point. They found something that probably meant something. Then they randomly find the junkyard and save Mulder. The people at the junkyard were sewing someones living head on dead bodies to save his life. I am not sure who the guy was or why they were trying to save him. Father Joe dies. I think that was all.

If that wasn’t all, please keep it to yourself. It’s not worth the effort.

Review: Kung Fu Panda.

Posted in Movie Reviews. with tags , , , , on November 22, 2008 by thrownhammer

Panda is awesome. There is no charge for awesomeness. Panda wakes up decidely NOT awesome. Makes noodles. Goes to see Dragon Warrior chosen. Gets locked out. Hurts himself repeatedly. Gets in riding a Chinese rocket chair. finds out he is the Dragon Warrior? Furious five are…well, furious. Duck goes to warn Rhino at jail about Scary Leopard Guy. Rhino shows Duck there is nothing to worry about. Rhino is wrong. VERY wrong. Scary Leopard Guy defeats 1,000 Rhinos and escapes. Duck flys home and warns the Furious Five. Panda is not doing well with all this Kung Fu stuff. Goes to train with little Red Panda Guy. Furious Five go to stop Scary Leopard Guy. Furious Five get all nerve locked up by Scary Leopard Guy. Panda reaches Kung Fu enlightenment by fighting over food. Red Panda Guy will fight Scary Leopard Guy, and sends the rest off to evacuate the valley. Scary Leopard Guy fights Red Panda Guy and finds out Panda has scroll. Panda finds out there is no secret ingredient. Goes to fight Scary Leopard Guy. They fight over the Dragon Scroll. Panda is not a big fat Panda, he is THE big fat panda. Puts Scary Leopard Guy in a really sweet finger hold. Flexs the pinky and WHOOSH Scary Leopard Guy disintegrates. Panda goes up to Red Panda Guy, lays down and suggests eating food.

Movie Review: The Hulk.

Posted in Movie Reviews. with tags , , , , , on November 16, 2008 by thrownhammer

First of all this is the new one, not the one from a couple of years ago that I would truly like to forget about. So Bruce Banner looks at a green laser and hulks out smashing stuff and throwing people. Mr. Banner works in a soda bottling plant in Brazil. He gets cut and a drop goes in a bottle a couple stories down. Stan Lee drinks the pop in the good old USA and I think he died… So our ever brilliant government decides to send like ten guys to Brazil to get the Hulk. Ten guys? Good plan! So these guys chase him around until he ends up in the bottling plant getting beat up by Brazilian racists who dislike “gringos” Banner gets mad. When he gets mad pray he is not mad at you. You can’t hurt the Hulk by the way, but he can hurt you badly. At one point he threw a fork lift at someone. After all the ragdolls are laying around with bones like oatmeal the Hulk runs away. Heads back to USA. Finds girl from laser beam staring incident that he likes. Can’t get to her… Goes to Stanly’s pizza. Get it? (Stan Lee’s) Gives him a job so he can deliver pizza to Lou Ferrigno? Girl sees him at pizza shop and hugs him in the rain on a bridge. They go to school and it’s a trap! Banner watches soldier tackle girl from a glass hallway full of tear gas. Girl tackling makes Banner angry. Hulks out. Drop everything but a nuke on the Hulk. As we have already covered earlier, you cannot hurt the Hulk. Even with cardboard looking tube beam ray guns mounted on Hummers. He fights a little normal man that has some Army secret serum in his spine. He puts up a good fight, until the Hulk sends him into a tree like a peice of straw in a tornado. Hulk grabs girl and runs away. Gets mad at thunderstorm. Hulk is mad ALOT. They are now on the lamb with only $40 cash. Apparently you can buy an old Ford pick up truck and have enough left over to buy a ferry ride across the river for only $40 cash. They find Mr. Blue and he “cures” the Hulk. Of course as soon as he gets rid of the Hulk the Army shows up and captures Banner. Normal man talks Mr. Blue into making him Hulkish. Banner jumps out of plane hoping he will Hulk out before hitting the ground. Can you say FAITH? Well he Hulks out and he fights new Hulkish man. They fight alot. Hulk wins, runs away, Hulks out in South American jungle later. Tony Stark (Ironman) shows up in bar and talks to General about forming a team.

Review: Indiana Jones and the crystal skull.

Posted in Movie Reviews. with tags , , , , , , on October 30, 2008 by thrownhammer

Military convoy races hotrod to area 51. Colonel ties his shoe and guards become ventilated. Indy and British dude are in trunk. Find magnetic mummy. British dude is double agent for commies. Indy and commies have big action scene in warehouse ending by riding the rocket out into desert. Indy finds town full of mannequins and hides in fridge. Nuke goes off and Indy pops out of fridge in prariedog town. Indy talks to FBI. FBI follows Indy. Indy talks to greaser about secret letter from his uncle. FBI wants letter, but greaser punches jock in face and good old greaser VS. Jock fight breaks out in diner. FBI chases Indy and greaser on a motorcycle. Motorcycle drives thru library and loses the FBI. Fly to South America and look at loony bin cell where uncle stayed. Get clues and go to Inca/Mayan/Aztec graveyard. Fight some slinky monkey whack a mole type guy. Go into tomb. Find magnetic crystal skull eventually. Pop out of ground and meet armed Commies. Go to a Commie vodka dance party. Find more clues and have a car chase in jungle. Greaser meets monkey army and apparently Monkey armies hate commies. Big ants attack and eat people. Run away! Drive Schwiminwagen into the river and plop over three waterfalls. Head in behind secret waterfall passage and find lost civilization. Lost civilizations sleep inside fake plaster walls and hate people that find them. Crystal magnetic skull scares them all away. Find a tunnel down with disappearing spiral stairs of DOOM! Run down stairs FOREVER…. and get to bottom before stairs disappear. Find room full of crystal skeletons, one happens to be missing his head. Armed Commies show up. I guess Commies are light as a feather and floated down like dandelion seeds in the cool spring breeze. Put the skull back and find out the crystal skull people are aliens from between dimensions. Commies die…badly. Good guys leave and Indy marries some chick I forgot to tell you about. Oh yeah, Greaser is his son.

AVP Requiem Review

Posted in Movie Reviews. with tags on October 15, 2008 by thrownhammer

Aliens VS. Predator Requiem:
Does anyone know what “requiem” means? Anyone? Anyway hang in there, this won’t take long. Predator chest pops out an Alien on spaceship. Pred-Alien Havoc follows close behind. Crash land in woods. Hunter man and boy see ship. Run away. Face hugger party. A bunch of rich girl likes pizza boy stuff that we don’t care about happens. Homeless sewer people face hugger party. New Predator shows up to take out the Alien trash. The town is the size of L.A. but has only one Sheriff. Bad stuff happens. National Guard shows up. Bad stuff happens. Pred-Alien goes to hospital. French kisses pregnant ladies, but his tongue is more like a potato cannon, and the potatoes are more like alien babies. Lots of Aliens are born by self inflicted C-section. Group of survivors split up. First group goes to government air lift point in a pick up truck, the other goes to hospital in a tank to jack a helo. I wonder who lives? At hospital we encounter much resistance. Rich girl catches Predator Frisbee with her guts. Thru much wailing and gnashing of teeth we get to chopper with Pred gun. Government thinks airlift means atom bomb. Oopsy. Helo crashes. People live. Government gets Pred gun. Another sequel is a really bad, but inevitable idea.

Sweeney Todd Review

Posted in Movie Reviews. with tags on October 3, 2008 by thrownhammer

Sweeney Todd:
Showtunes, massive amounts of blood, and Meat pies… what could possibly go wrong?
Barber guy and sailor sing songs on a ship sailing to London. Barber says goodbye to sailor and finds Meat Pie shop. Girl makes Meat pies and smashes bugs. Barber sings a  flashback song about Judge sending him to prison and stealing his wife. Meat pie lady tells barber his wife drank poison. Barber goes up to old apartment and gets his straight razors back. Starts making dead judge plans. Goes to market and has a shaving duel with an Italian snake oil salesman. Barber wins. Sailor finds girl at Judge’s house he really likes. Judge is not impressed. Sailor gets beating and limps away singing with bloody teeth. Tells barber he plans to steal her away. Barber realizes she is his daughter. Italian shows up. He is not Italian. He blackmails Barber. Barber destroys the fake Italians head with a teapot and stuffs him in a box. Little boy comes in and then goes down to the meat pie shop to get lit on Gin. Barber pulls fake Italian out of box and slits his throat and apparently a blood filled garden hose. Meat Pie lady has brilliant plan to dispose of fake Italian. Meat is very expensive, and it seems like such a waste to just toss the fake Italian out. Grand reopening of Meat pie shop. More meat more food! Barber builds crazy dump chair to offload patrons into basement. Barber kills a lot of people by slitting throats with straight razors and dumps them down the shoot. It seems if your head is cut halfway off and you fall three stories head first onto the basement floor, you land funny. Lock boy in basement to run the meat grinder and bake pies. Boy finds thumb in pie. Sailor rescues girl from crazy farm. Judge shows up for a shave. After multiple stabbings and the CLOSEST SHAVE EVER, Judge goes down the shoot. Crazy lady shows up. Barber makes her neck smile and down the shoot. Boy flips out. Meat pie lady and Barber go looking for boy. Barber notices crazy lady is actually his wife. Throws meat pie lady in furnace. He sings to his dead wife and boy slits barbers throat. I think all the Barbers blood is in his neck at that time…. Roll credits.