Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Stop Hammer Time.

Posted in Uncategorized on August 13, 2009 by thrownhammer

In a galaxy far, far, away…… HAMMERTIME!

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Why are smart people so dumb?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2009 by thrownhammer

With all this genetic engineering going on would it be too much to ask for some grass that only grows two inches tall? Can someone explain to me why they can clone monkeys that glow in the dark, but can’t make a lawn that doesn’t need mowed? Does anyone care about glowing clone monkeys? If you do care about glowing clone monkeys, then you are one of the smart dumb people I am referring to. With all the worry about green house gases would it not make more sense to work on grass that doesn’t need mowed, or glowing clone monkeys? I mean sersly NO ONE CARES ABOUT GLOWING CLONE MONKEYS!

It’s my Birthday!

Posted in Uncategorized on June 2, 2009 by thrownhammer

I am almost old, but stop…. Hammer time!

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Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2009 by thrownhammer

Quick everyone run around in circles and scream! One of two things are currently happening. One, we are heading down the road that ends with “Trash can man” and a nuke. Or two, we are once again being whipped into a frenzy by the panic mongering media.

Let’s explore scenario one. The flu will spread all over the world as amazing speed, 98% of the population will die, people that are left will flock to a crazy old lady or a scary dude, Que “trash can man” and a nuke, game over.

Now let’s have a look at scenario two. From as far back as I can remember the media has truly enjoyed hyping the mundane to create interest in their mostly boring daily lives. Lets reminisce with some of the most ridiculous things I can recall.

1: Killer bees. Remember when we all died from the Killer bee invasion?

2: Child abductions. Remember when everyone in America had their children stolen by freaks in old vans?

3: Shark attacks. Remember when everyone within 100 feet of any ocean was eaten by a shark?

4: SARS virus. Remember when everyone died from the SARS virus?

5: Bird flu. Remember when the entire human population died from the Bird flu?

6: Swine flu. Remember when everyone died after the “trash can man” showed up with a nuke?

On one hand I am a little worried about this. People are dieing from the swine flu, but on the other I am getting really sick of the media screaming “WOLF!” and expecting me to take them seriously… they are almost always wrong.

Does anything NOT cause global warming? ANYTHING?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on April 22, 2009 by thrownhammer

Here is a short list of things that I have seen in the news that someone has determined causes global warming.

1. Cars

2. Cows farting.

3. Mowing my lawn.

4. Bottled water.

5. Spam E-mail.

6. Fat people.

7. Making solar panels.

8. Appliances.

9. Power plants.

10. Volcanoes.

11. Humans in general.

12. Eating food.

13. Toilet paper.

14. Making bumper stickers about global warming.

15. Drowning polar bears.

16. Printing e-mails.

17. Sending e-mails.

18. Reading blogs.

19. Searching for ways to stop global warming on the internet.

20. Al Gore.

Sersly… Is there anything on God’s green Earth that doesn’t cause global warming? I smell an agenda.

Pirates must be stopped!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2009 by thrownhammer

I brought this up quite awhile ago. Now that they were brazen enough to attack a ship flying the US Flag I think they got a taste of what we can do to little weak drugged up Pirates. Now is the time to send a clear message to these scallywags! The last thing we want is for Obama to say something that isn’t on a teleprompter… Special Olympics anyone? So I have prepared the following statement for our Commander in Chief.

Pirates. We are the United States of America. Make no mistake, we have the means to crush you. We have been to Somalia before. You were smited nearly a thousand to one by our Elite Special Forces after shooting down our Black Hawk helicopters. Shawn French feels this was captured to perfection in the feature film Black Hawk Down. I the President of these United States am signing into law these “Rules of Pirate Engagement” Or R.O.P.E. as it is known in the acronym crazy U.S. Navy.

1) If you encroach within 500 yards of a ship flying the Stars and Stripes, we will kill you.

2) Actually if you get within 500 yards of any ship, we will kill you.

3) If you tell anyone to walk the plank, we will kill you.

4) If you have a parrot, we will kill you.

5) If you go to the beach and put even a toe in the water, we will kill you.

6) If you have an eye patch and we think you are drinking too much water, we will kill you.

7) If we feel you are saying the consonant “R” too much, we will kill you.

8 ) If you have a Jolly Roger T-shirt, we will kill you.

9) If you eat limes on a regular basis, we will kill you.

10) If you even THINK about shooting down a Black Hawk helicopter, we will kill you.

That’s not a cup holder, it’s a Rain Gage!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2009 by thrownhammer

Yesterday was one of those days that seems funny at a later date. It isn’t quite funny yet. Work was interesting to say the least. I can’t get into the details because of the incredibly sensitive nature of my job. Suffice to say it is in line with the remainder of this story.

I realized my drivers license has been expired for nine months. So I spent my lunch hour at the friendly neighborhood BMV. Did you know if you are over six months late you have to take the written exam? Did you also know if you have a motorcycle endorsement you have to take that written exam? Were you also aware that whoever wrote those exams doesn’t actually drive, or has ever sat on a motorcycle? Four out of twenty five questions on the motorcycle exam were about drinking alcohol. I guess bikers are drunks…

After work I needed to go to my second favorite place on Earth… The Dentist. Oh by the way the top was down on the Jeep and the doors were at home, and it was having a wicked thunderstorm. I had hail in my cup holders. Cold rain hitting you at 40 MPH when it is 45 degrees outside is uncomfortable. By the time I came out of the dentist office there was about a 1/2″ of water in my cup holders. Care to guess how much water was in my seat cushions? Cold cold water…